"Waffle Houses are the Starbucks of the South" comedian Marshall Chiles said to me, as we sat down yesterday at one of the many Georgia Waffle Houses you see in the five minute drive from the hotel to the comedy club.
I wrote the last entry about my desire to lose weight losing miserably to the immediate deliciousness of fattening food. Well, I'm happy to report that the pattern continues...
Just hours after my last entry, I finished doing two morning radio shows here in Atlanta, "The Regular Guys" at 7am, and a sports show at 7:45, when Marshall, who also runs the club, asked if I wanted to stop at a Waffle House. I told him I had never been to one. He nearly threw me out of the car.
But instead, he insisted that we stop for breakfast. I couldn't resist the cultural experience that has inspired so many clogged arteries, so I excitedly agreed. Despite my need to get rid of my emerging double chin, just days before three big auditions. The only problem is I have eating skills that have actually won me contests.
So I only ordered 4 waffles, cheese eggs, double bacon, and hash browns "smothered," "covered," and "something else'd" that meant "drown it in more cheese." Oh, and a side salad! (I always order something that makes me at least feel that I'm not opposed to health.)
About 12 minutes later, I finished it all. The eggs, hash browns, waffles and bacon, all inside me now. The waitress forgot to bring my green salad. And in an ironic twist, I told her to cancel it. Feeling like I had been unhealthy enough, I cancelled the salad.
This story ends even worse. After the show last night, fueled by an early morning breakfast fit for a city, I got drunk, as comics often do after shows. And being drunk made me hungry. And so, on the way back to the hotel, I STOPPED AT ANOTHER WAFFLE HOUSE!!! Never having been to one before this fateful day, I sat down for the second time, and quickly polished off 4 more waffles, a plate of sausage, and hash browns "all the way," which means literally "topped with everything." Oh, and this time I followed through with the green salad.
It's amazing what bad decisions the mind can rationalize. Now instead of trying to get rid of my double chin before my three big auditions, I have convinced myself that being fat will work better comedically.
I have to head to the club now for tonight's shows. On the way, maybe I'll stop at a Waffle House. If you've never been, you gotta try it.
